Vampirisum....Well.. Really, How..?

So I don't want any hate comments (or whatever you would like to call them...??) saying "Vampy's aren't real you Doe-Doe bird!" That is just your opinion... and i have mine... so if anybody can help me... I am trying to figure out how exactly to "become" and vampire...That's all I ever wanted. i don't want to get bitten -- i heard it's quite painfull... maybe doing something (solo or w/ a bestfriend who wont tell...) like maybe saying a ritual... (rit-chu-al) or something! thanks!!!!